Choosing Kindness

God's word never ceases to amaze me.  Over and over again in my life I have found that, no matter where I find myself studying in the scriptures, they always seem the perfect text to minister or challenge me in just the right way for the season of life that I am facing.  Right now, I am studying the book of 2 Corinthians and finding it to be such a timely word in my life.  I didn't purposefully decide to dig into this particular letter at this time.  I meet weekly with a group of women and back in the summer, when one of them agreed to sacrifice suitcase space to carry in Bible study books for all of us, we needed to just pick something via e-mail.  One gal suggested the "All Things New" study written by Kelly Minter.  I didn't have a strong opinion and I didn't have a bunch of time to put into researching and so I threw my thumb's up into the pot.  But the Lord knew all that would be happening in my heart and life in these months.  In his loving kindness He is using these words to minister to my heart in so many ways.

It's been a rough re-entry.  I hate to sound like a cry-baby, but we are struggling over here.  Not the normal, "Oh it's hot and I wish we could just order Domino's tonight" kinda struggle.  These are more of a "I am not sure I have the courage to get out of bed today" kinda struggles.  I am not sure exactly why these last 8 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life, but they have.  I was expecting to feel some grief and loss after leaving Abby and after facing the beginning of my chicks flying.  I was expecting the usual fatigue and hard work that inevitably comes with this life we live here.  But this, this is more than that.

We, as in the whole familial unit, have faced some major obstacles.  I won't detail everyone's struggles, but for me it has been a spell of real depression.  Many, many tearful days, being overwhelmed at simple everyday needs, and such a feeling of being trapped.  I do face some moments of grief and missing my girl, but really that is just one part of the equation.  It's been hard and for some reason the weekends are especially awful.  It's like every Sunday a terrible darkness just falls across my heart and mind.  

Since we've returned we have battled scorpions, cobras, boils, viruses, sleeplessness, and rebellious appliances and systems.  Morale has been low and we've all wondered how we can keep going.  But, we have kept going.  Day by day, little by little, we are making it.  By God's grace alone, we find enough strength for each day and we are surviving.

It is my prayer that, like some of the other rough patches we've faced through the years, a day will come when I will realize, "Hey, we're not just surviving anymore, we're really living!"  I don't know when it will come.  I don't know exactly what the Lord's purposes are for us in this patch.  But, I do know that He is faithful and He will guide us.

We are seeking His direction.  We are pursuing godly counsel- both within our organization, and with a few wise believers that we trust both here and across the ocean.  We are trying to chose life-giving activities when we want to quarrel or sleep or pack a suitcase.  We know that whatever happens, He can and will be glorified.  We know that He loves us.

We also know that every choice we make, every word we speak is setting an example for our children of how to navigate seasons of neediness and brokenness and we are trying to do it well.
It is my hope that the example we set, though not perfect, will communicate that as believers, we can push past the deceitful feelings of our heart and rely on the strength of the Lord.  We can do hard things in His power.  We can trust him to sustain us when we would rather grasp for every crutch this world has to offer us.

Through it all, I have had some sweet time in God's word and one of the things that He is impressing on me through all of this hurt and aching is how very important and powerful it can be to chose kindness.  Paul lists it as one of the virtues he demonstrates to the Corinthians and thinking through that, I have realized how much power kindness has in our choices.  When we think about being the "aroma of Christ" in this difficult place, I know that kindness can be one of the things that can cross language and cultural barriers and one which I can always chose, even in the midst of my own suffering.  When I don't have a deep reserve from which to pull in terms of ministry and pouring out to others, I can at least chose to be kind.  And the word tells me that with the Holy Spirit, there is not limit to the kindness that is available to me.  So, I am asking the Lord to help me to demonstrate kindness when my hurt and sorrow tempts me to chose selfishness and a short-temper.

On the flip-side, through all of the struggles I have been facing, I have found that being the recipient of  kindness has been one of the things that has most ministered to me.  It's been little things...friends who have known or suspected our struggles taking the time to share words of encouragement, inviting us to dinner, or people faithfully praying.  Because I have been so fragile, I have found myself gravitating toward people from whom I believe that I can expect to receive kindness.  I have been ultra-sensitive to who I expose myself to because I have been such a hot mess and it's just better for everyone that way.

Just this morning, I found myself faced with one of those "hot-mess" situations.  I was compelled to ask a favor of someone because the older kids and I had made a mistake and needed help.  The issue we were facing was partly because we hadn't planned ahead and we were a bit irresponsible.  The person wasn't particularly unkind, but they also didn't choose kindness.  It was obvious they were a bit irritated and answered me in a way that was a bit harsh-at least, from the angle through which I'm currently processing my world.  Honestly, they had a right to be irritated.  And, in this person's defense, they had no idea how my morning had gone, no idea that I was headed home to a feverish child, and no idea the mountains that we are climbing right now just to go through the motions that are daily life.  They didn't do anything wrong, but it hit me in a totally wrong way.

I quickly finished what I had to do and got into my car before the tears started pouring.  I knew they were coming and I knew they were silly, but I was powerless to stop them.  As I drove home, wondering how many passing people were wondering why the white lady in the Toyota was sobbing her face off, the Lord once again impressed upon me the lessons about kindness.  I wondered, how many times have I been in a position to extend and offer kindness and instead chose to be short or irritated?  How many times have people stood before me in a needy state, battling their Goliaths, when I have delighted in wielding power or preparedness over them?  Too many to count, that is for darn sure.

All of this has made me realize that I want to be a "safe-place" kind of person.  I want to be a person who has a reputation of providing abundant grace.  Someone who comes alongside and loves first, asking questions later.  If I err, I want it to be, time and again, on the side of kindness and grace.  I hope and pray that this season, which right now seems incredibly overwhelming, will one day be a mere memory of a time when God taught me to be a more compassionate soul.

So, if you're still reading, after all of my ramblings, I ask two things of you.  When the Lord brings us to mind, will you pray for us?  Our little circus is currently in need of your prayers.  And secondly, will you choose kindness today?  Will you be intentional in allowing the Holy Spirit to empower you to be an instrument of kindness to someone you encounter?