Pros and Cons

From the time that I was a little girl, I knew I wanted a big family. I had no idea what I was biting off, but I'm sure glad I stuck to my guns. The controlled (sometimes) chaos that is my life brings me so much joy. And while I sometimes long for just a little bit of free time, I can't think of any better way to invest my life than in these 5 precious children that the Lord has entrusted to me. I love it.

I love the way that, by it's very nature, a larger family helps kids to learn to work as part of a team, to be considerate of others, and to die to themselves on a regular basis. I really enjoy seeing my kids interact with one another-most of the time. Their love for one another is priceless. I could talk for a long time about the benefits of our family size.

But the reality is, that like anything, I could also make a lengthy list of drawbacks. One of the things that I struggle with the most is the concern that they're all getting what they need. We've been blessed to the point that we don't necessarily have to worry about their physical needs like food, shoes, and clothing. But, the emotional needs are another thing. There are two of us and five of them and sometimes, it can get overwhelming. I worry that I may not be dialoguing or interacting with them enough as individuals.

I once heard a woman from a big family talk about her relationship with her mother. She said that her mother was always so busy that she only remembered talking to the back of her head and that she always wished that she could have a chance to see the whites of her eyes when she talked with her. That bothered me and I've thought of it many times over the last few years. I hope and pray that my children know that they're loved as individuals and that they feel like we value their words, thoughts, and ideas.

I guess that's one of the reasons why we've always made birthdays a big deal at our house. We don't always do something fancy, but we do try to make sure that each child is celebrated and that we recognize the special person that God created them to be. We are always trying to remind them that God has a purpose for THEIR life.

The emotions of the last few months have brought their own set of issues and the burden of helping each child process and dialogue about the changes we're facing has been weighty. I worry that we've messed this up somehow. Then I remember that God is writing their testimonies, even as He's writing mine, and I take comfort in that. Still, I know I have a responsibility in shepherding them through this overwhelming time.

We have friends who are also getting ready to move their family to a new place of ministry, and they had a great idea. They decided to take each of their children out for a special day before they headed out of town. We had talked about doing something similar and after reading her blog, I decided to just do it! Our calendar is packed pretty tight, so we've had to do it in short spurts, but it's given us a chance to talk with each child one on one as well as express to them how very loved they are. So far, we've had our day with the youngest three, and it's been fun for everyone!

The first day out was with Abe. He was quite funny when I told him that we were going out together. He first asked if he could take his bike. We explained that we were going somewhere special, where he couldn't take his bike. He asked several other questions and then concluded that he'd just stay with the kids at grandma's house and let daddy and I go. Uhh, not the reaction I was looking for! After talking it up for a day or two, he finally decided he'd go, though the idea was so foreign to him, he still wasn't sure. The fact that the other kids were so excited for him helped to convince him that it was worth a try.

We decided to take him downtown to the Marbles Museum, which is a really nice children's museum. When my oldest 3 were young, we went to these sort of establishments all of the time. Abe has never been to one. I know, that's awful isn't it? I could choose to feel really guilty about that, and it's tempting. But I've been to developing nations and I've seen the conditions that many of the world's children live in. I've also seen the pile of toys the boy has at his disposal, so I refuse to let Satan attack me on that one.

Anyway, he had a great time. You could tell that he was a little out of his element at first. We would invite him to play with us and it was almost awkward for him. He's so used to playing with his brother and sisters that he wasn't sure how to engage in that sort of play with us. Typically, when he and I have one on one time, I read with him or do puzzles or something that has more "educational value" because he gets a ton of pretend play with his siblings. However, I didn't realize this until we were asking him to cook for us at the Marbles kitchen and he was so obviously shy about doing it.

With time he warmed up and we ended up having a great time. He and I raced cars, which was fun. However, I think sawing with daddy was definitely his favorite! He sawed and sawed until the wood was too small to saw anymore.

After our time at Marbles, we took him to McDonald's, which was his pick. We let him play in the playplace, something we rarely do anymore. He thought that was big fun, but he was ready to go home and see the "kids" when it was all over.

By the time we got home, he was exhausted and so were we. We didn't realize how far removed we were from the "sippy cup" crowd. Ryan and I laughed that we felt like senior citizens as we looked around at most of the parents beside us at the museum. I guess that we so rarely go to those "preschool friendly" places because the ebb and flow of our lives is geared more toward our homeschooling schedule. I definitely was able to see in very obvious ways that Abe's preschool years look very different than those of my older kids. And again, I had to remind myself that God made no mistake by placing Abe as the 5th child in our family. He has a purpose for Abe, even in that and I can't beat myself up over the things that he isn't getting, but rather focus on the things that I can provide for him in the context of our family.

Abe enjoyed the big foam blocks.

On your mark, get set, go!

Sawing away!

Totally wiped out! I caught this glimpse of him at the McDonald's playplace.