Keeping it Real

I’ve always known and readily admitted that I have control issues. I am not proud of them, I am taking baby steps to make them less crippling, but they still exist. If you want to be acutely aware of your issues, come to where I am- they’ll squeeze them out of you. This week has been a bit of a pressing for me. Okay, that’s an understatement, I feel like I’ve been laid out on one of those ancient torture devices where they stretch your limbs in all different directions until you snap.

Yesterday, I snapped. It was ugly and it was embarrassing and what made it worse was that my kids got to witness my mega meltdown in full color. Oh, it was awful. Thank you Jesus it’s over and hopefully, we’ve talked enough with the kids about it that they won’t be scarred for life.

It started out with an attempt to take my two oldest girls to the “Busy Hands” sewing building. I didn’t want to go, I had other things on my agenda, but they desperately wanted to go and I decided that I would take them. So, I dug down deep to find my happy heart, put a smile on my face, and marched off to do my motherly duty. Now, I knew that the posted sign had said that there needed to be one parent per child. I also knew that I had 4 children who wanted to get there at least once and a limited amount of Saturday mornings that we could squeeze them into. So, against my better judgement, I marched off with the two oldest, certain that we could make it work.

It seemed like a great idea UNTIL I was greeted by the friendly lady at the door who informed me that there was no way that they could both participate. I explained our circumstances and in her nice, but very firm way, she basically said that my situation did not matter to her, this was the policy. Then, she began to show my girls what their project options would be- when it was their turn to sew. I knew I was in trouble as soon as the tears started welling up in my eyes. I stepped outside thinking that surely I could get myself together and go back in with a plan for choosing who might get to sew. I had almost regained my composure when the girls came looking for me. They took one look at me and the oldest burst into tears herself. Before I knew it, all three of us were crying- and I mean body shaking crying right there in front of the Busy Hands building.

We managed to make it back to our quad without too many face to face encounters. As soon as Ryan saw us, he knew something was wrong. So, we all sat down at the table and explained, through our sobs, what had happened. It was ridiculous and I readily admitted to him that I knew my non-stop tears had very little to do with the sewing lady. I felt like I was living in that story about the little boy in Holland who used his finger to plug the leaking dike and save his village. It was as if someone just pulled the plug on all of the emotions that had been just lingering on the edge.

We’ve struggled since we got here with the realities of our family size. Everything from after school pick-up to the dining hall to the one bathroom to the amount of homework we’re trying to process with the kids each evening has been complicated by the fact that our family is bigger. Living as a family of 7 is tough in our society. Living as a family of 7 in a communal living environment is borderline brutal. Things like finding childcare for evening meetings is daunting for us. We’re overwhelmed.

But, here’s what we keep telling the kids (and ourselves.) God has a plan for our family. All of these ways that we’re being stretched are purposeful. Learning to submit to authorities about things that we think are petty is good for our character. Coming to grips with the fact that our family is different than others in our community is a reality that will only become more real in the months ahead.

Yesterday, after 90 minutes of tears, I finally got control enough to go to the mall and make a return at the Apple Store. As we were walking into the mall, with my eyes still swollen, my oldest daughter looked at me and said, “Mom, if we get in here and you start crying, just tell anyone who asks that you are in the process of moving your family overseas and it is a very emotional process. That ought to make them be quiet.” Great advice Abby, great advice!