Butterflies and Rainbows

I guess that's what I've been waiting for... butterflies and rainbows.  I haven't been posting because, I've been trying to go with Thumper's mentality that if you can't say nuttin' nice, you shouldn't say nuttin' at all.  And I haven't had much to say that's nice.  I've been waiting for the butterflies and rainbows to come along.  I'm pretty much becoming convinced that I might have to wait awhile.  I'm not seeing any on the horizon.  Nor any puppies, unicorns, or smiley faced sunshines.


I don't want to be a Negative Nellie, but we are having a really hard time.  Some of it is our circumstances.  We generally feel as though we're facing a mountain with getting our crate released.  Not to mention we've had a continual stream of issues with having functioning water and electricity.  Lump all of that with the fact that this is still a very new, different, and difficult culture and we're barely treading water.  How can this be when we're four months into this journey?   I think that we're at the point where the novelty has worn off, but the normalcy has not yet kicked in.


Though our circumstances are tough, the reality is that our emotions are tougher.  My faith is being stretched in ways that I never dreamed it would be.  I guess I thought I would give up all of the things that I loved about America and I would come here and I would rescue the dying and bring light to the darkness and leap small buildings in a single bound, and it would be worth it.  But the truth is, I'm not.  I'm barely learning what should be a simple language, one verb and noun at a time.  I'm barely keeping the clothes washed and my family fed and my head above water.  Our only Nigerian friends are the people we pay and their extended circle.  Because of the circumstances in our city and country, we have no opportunity to travel and we even feel the need to be extremely cautious in our own city.  We feel a total loss of independence.  It's like we went from being the big man on campus to being preschoolers.  And we're seeing almost nothing that looks like ministry.


Every day I get up and I have the fleeting thought that if I could go back two years and do it all over, I wouldn't have put the "for sale" sign in the yard.  I would have said, "No!"  I look back and I see that I was in a place where I had an effective ministry.  I had a circle of influence that made a difference.  We had a home, a job, a church, a life that we loved.  And every single day that I'm here, I honestly wonder if I'll ever wake up and like it or even not hate it.


Sounds awful, doesn't it?  I know that if I were reading this post, it would sound awful to me.  Trust me, I'm not content with being discontent.  I'm digging into God's word.  I'm reading books like Absolute Surrender and Dangerous Surrender and My Utmost for His Highest.  I'm looking at the life of the Apostle Paul and I'm desperately wanting to be willing to give it all for Jesus.  I don't want to be a cost counter.  I don't.  I want to be content.  But I'm not sure how to get my little American dream oriented brain to embrace the biblical reality that, "in this world you will have trouble."


Yet, I know this.  So much of what I'm dealing with is the fact that I am having to die to myself.  And it is painful.  I'm having to surrender and it hurts.  I thought I surrendered when I sold our home, our possessions, left our church, and took those five precious grandchildren from the arms of their grandparents and boarded the plane.  I thought that the deal was done.  But what I'm finding that was only the beginning.  Every single day, it seems as though I'm having to surrender again and this time, the things the Lord is requiring of me seem so much more painful than the items that were in those yard sale piles.


I don't understand it all.  This morning, in the midst of a major meltdown I looked at my husband and I said, "I don't understand why God picked me.  I have friends who love Jesus and are doing remarkable things for him, but they get to live in houses in America that have electricity and climate control and dishwashers, and they have mini-vans that they can get into and drive to Chik-fil-A and Target.  Their children have friends and they get to go to a church that they love.  Why did God pick us?"  The poor man, what do you say to that?


I've been wrestling with God about all of it.  I have been pouring out my heart to him and begging him to change mine.  I've been getting up every morning and I've been putting one foot in front of the other.  I've been doing the next thing, even if the next thing is only starting a load of laundry or sending an e-mail or listening to my language phrases.  And I've decided that for now, that's all I know to do.  We know God called us here.  We are not here by any of our own dreams or manipulation.  We were clearly called.  To leave would be disobedience.  We don't understand what God is doing.  We do not understand why our friends who shipped a crate to our country from America after ours had already arrived at the port here got their items weeks ago and we're still waiting.  We don't understand why the switch on our water pump has broken 4 times.  Or the tile on our counter tops has had to be repaired 3 times in 2 weeks.  Or why our generator only works about half of the time.  Or why nearly every child that one of my children has hit it off with is on their way out of this country in the coming months.  I don't understand.


But, God is on his throne.  And for whatever reason we've gotten a baptism by fire in many, many ways.  I don't like it.  I don't have to.  But, I do have a choice to make about how to respond to it.  And I am trying with everything that is in me to respond with obedience.  I am trusting that God will take my pathetic offerings and do with them what he will.  I have taken comfort in the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in Daniel chapter 3 when they make a difficult decision about obedience .  When they are faced with the decision to do the easy thing and find safety and comfort or do that which they know is right, even though it will cause them distress, they respond with these beautiful words...

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Man, those words..."even if he does not," are words that I am clinging to right now.  I am trusting that he will bring us out of this season of darkness into a place where we can clearly see his hand and his light, a place of fruitfulness and wholeness.  But, even in my meltdowns and my tantrums, even on my darkest days, I whisper these words to myself.  "even if he does not."  I am consciously choosing to be as faithful as I know how to be..."even if he does not."

Anyway, I probably shouldn't be being this transparent.  This probably isn't in the manual of ways to mobilize your prayer partners.  But I don't have any butterflies and rainbows to talk about, so I guess I'll just tell the truth.  We need your prayers.  We need the wisdom, courage, perseverance, and encouragement that comes from the body of Christ.  Thanks so much for all of the lovely notes and words and prayers you've lifted up for us.  Keep them coming, we're not out of the woods yet!