Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Butterflies and Rainbows


I guess that's what I've been waiting for... butterflies and rainbows.  I haven't been posting because, I've been trying to go with Thumper's mentality that if you can't say nuttin' nice, you shouldn't say nuttin' at all.  And I haven't had much to say that's nice.  I've been waiting for the butterflies and rainbows to come along.  I'm pretty much becoming convinced that I might have to wait awhile.  I'm not seeing any on the horizon.  Nor any puppies, unicorns, or smiley faced sunshines.


I don't want to be a Negative Nellie, but we are having a really hard time.  Some of it is our circumstances.  We generally feel as though we're facing a mountain with getting our crate released.  Not to mention we've had a continual stream of issues with having functioning water and electricity.  Lump all of that with the fact that this is still a very new, different, and difficult culture and we're barely treading water.  How can this be when we're four months into this journey?   I think that we're at the point where the novelty has worn off, but the normalcy has not yet kicked in.


Though our circumstances are tough, the reality is that our emotions are tougher.  My faith is being stretched in ways that I never dreamed it would be.  I guess I thought I would give up all of the things that I loved about America and I would come here and I would rescue the dying and bring light to the darkness and leap small buildings in a single bound, and it would be worth it.  But the truth is, I'm not.  I'm barely learning what should be a simple language, one verb and noun at a time.  I'm barely keeping the clothes washed and my family fed and my head above water.  Our only Nigerian friends are the people we pay and their extended circle.  Because of the circumstances in our city and country, we have no opportunity to travel and we even feel the need to be extremely cautious in our own city.  We feel a total loss of independence.  It's like we went from being the big man on campus to being preschoolers.  And we're seeing almost nothing that looks like ministry.


Every day I get up and I have the fleeting thought that if I could go back two years and do it all over, I wouldn't have put the "for sale" sign in the yard.  I would have said, "No!"  I look back and I see that I was in a place where I had an effective ministry.  I had a circle of influence that made a difference.  We had a home, a job, a church, a life that we loved.  And every single day that I'm here, I honestly wonder if I'll ever wake up and like it or even not hate it.


Sounds awful, doesn't it?  I know that if I were reading this post, it would sound awful to me.  Trust me, I'm not content with being discontent.  I'm digging into God's word.  I'm reading books like Absolute Surrender and Dangerous Surrender and My Utmost for His Highest.  I'm looking at the life of the Apostle Paul and I'm desperately wanting to be willing to give it all for Jesus.  I don't want to be a cost counter.  I don't.  I want to be content.  But I'm not sure how to get my little American dream oriented brain to embrace the biblical reality that, "in this world you will have trouble."


Yet, I know this.  So much of what I'm dealing with is the fact that I am having to die to myself.  And it is painful.  I'm having to surrender and it hurts.  I thought I surrendered when I sold our home, our possessions, left our church, and took those five precious grandchildren from the arms of their grandparents and boarded the plane.  I thought that the deal was done.  But what I'm finding that was only the beginning.  Every single day, it seems as though I'm having to surrender again and this time, the things the Lord is requiring of me seem so much more painful than the items that were in those yard sale piles.


I don't understand it all.  This morning, in the midst of a major meltdown I looked at my husband and I said, "I don't understand why God picked me.  I have friends who love Jesus and are doing remarkable things for him, but they get to live in houses in America that have electricity and climate control and dishwashers, and they have mini-vans that they can get into and drive to Chik-fil-A and Target.  Their children have friends and they get to go to a church that they love.  Why did God pick us?"  The poor man, what do you say to that?


I've been wrestling with God about all of it.  I have been pouring out my heart to him and begging him to change mine.  I've been getting up every morning and I've been putting one foot in front of the other.  I've been doing the next thing, even if the next thing is only starting a load of laundry or sending an e-mail or listening to my language phrases.  And I've decided that for now, that's all I know to do.  We know God called us here.  We are not here by any of our own dreams or manipulation.  We were clearly called.  To leave would be disobedience.  We don't understand what God is doing.  We do not understand why our friends who shipped a crate to our country from America after ours had already arrived at the port here got their items weeks ago and we're still waiting.  We don't understand why the switch on our water pump has broken 4 times.  Or the tile on our counter tops has had to be repaired 3 times in 2 weeks.  Or why our generator only works about half of the time.  Or why nearly every child that one of my children has hit it off with is on their way out of this country in the coming months.  I don't understand.


But, God is on his throne.  And for whatever reason we've gotten a baptism by fire in many, many ways.  I don't like it.  I don't have to.  But, I do have a choice to make about how to respond to it.  And I am trying with everything that is in me to respond with obedience.  I am trusting that God will take my pathetic offerings and do with them what he will.  I have taken comfort in the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in Daniel chapter 3 when they make a difficult decision about obedience .  When they are faced with the decision to do the easy thing and find safety and comfort or do that which they know is right, even though it will cause them distress, they respond with these beautiful words...


16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Man, those words..."even if he does not," are words that I am clinging to right now.  I am trusting that he will bring us out of this season of darkness into a place where we can clearly see his hand and his light, a place of fruitfulness and wholeness.  But, even in my meltdowns and my tantrums, even on my darkest days, I whisper these words to myself.  "even if he does not."  I am consciously choosing to be as faithful as I know how to be..."even if he does not."

Anyway, I probably shouldn't be being this transparent.  This probably isn't in the manual of ways to mobilize your prayer partners.  But I don't have any butterflies and rainbows to talk about, so I guess I'll just tell the truth.  We need your prayers.  We need the wisdom, courage, perseverance, and encouragement that comes from the body of Christ.  Thanks so much for all of the lovely notes and words and prayers you've lifted up for us.  Keep them coming, we're not out of the woods yet!

12 comments:

Oh Dear said...

Praying sister!
Love you and your honesty!

It was your honesty, that made me know you care. For example, when you asked me why I was hanging out with My Dear so many years ago. Thanks for asking! Thankful I am still hanging out with him! I still picture R. sitting in the door room with his fingers plugged into his ears singing so to try not to hear our conversation.......:)

Anonymous said...

Christy, I COMPLETELY understand. We hit this point right after the new year. It was the first week in January. Bryan and I looked at each other and said...
"the wall, it's the wall". I was just happy to know there was a real reason I felt the way I did. I would stand in the shower every morning with a huge lump in my throat and ask the Lord, "why me, are you sure you picked the right person". I have to say it was exactly the same thing, but I have a few more common conveniences that you do. I was doing the same thing you are...reading, digging, praying and asking for a sign. Then, I found in my Bible where I had written these words spoken by our beloved Elbert....." When you can soar, enjoy it. When you can run, cover the ground!! When the only thing you can do is walk...put one foot in front of the other. He will always give us the grace to walk with Him." I had written this above Is. 40 where my devotion "just so happened" to take me that particular morning. I just wept. It was at the peak of all of this and I too just felt like I could barely get out of bed. So, be encouraged sister. It is hard. It is hard to lose your identity. We have said that over and over. Just a couple of weeks ago I told Bryan, " I just wish I could do something well again". It's hard to be one that knows a little about a lot of things to knowing "nuthing about nuttin!!" I finally decided that I needed to wrestle with some pride issues in my life and I am still wrestling. I love you, I get all that you are saying. I wish I could say that "the sun will come out tomorrow" and there will be your rainbows and butterflies. The reality is there are great days, good days and still bad days. But, HE IS in the midst of it all and I too feel closer to Him than I have ever felt in my life. I am thankful for this and wouldn't trade it for anything. But it is truly a road of suffering and not for the weak of heart. I love you and will be praying for you. I pray for you guys every Monday but I promise to be lifting you up more intentionally in the next weeks. Keep your head held high and know that "He is the author and finisher" of all of this. Call us sometime and we can commiserate together.

In His Grip and Clinging tightly
Meredith

Anonymous said...

This is amazing Christy. I'm so glad you decided to just write what is happening instead of waiting for things to get better first. It is so illuminating for those of us who take our comfort for granted. I have no words of wisdom for you. But, I am so proud of you. So proud of your obedience. I'm praying for you guys; for your courage, and contentment. Love, Madonna FJ

xichangsue said...

Christy, You have just posted the exact words M's from all over the world want to say but are afraid to ;D I know I wanted to say that on so many occasions. One thing god showed me while "there" was..."I am training you, there is no end to the training, you are not doing this I AM. It is not your responsibility to "Save" anyone. It is your responsibility to point them in my direction...I will do the rest....My Holy Spirit will make arrangements for people to come to you, or for you to go to them...don't overlook the people you pay, shop from, or otherwise have some sort of contact with daily...What you are experiencing is not what you pictured...MY plans are not your plans...when you think you have accomplished nothing or that I have not used you-look back over the time and you will see I have been at work all along..." Thank you Christy for sharing things so many people need to know. All too often people look at what you are doing as simply an extended M trip. They do not realize that you have sold home and belonging to go to a place most people have never heard of to reach some people who have never heard with the Name they so often take for granted...Love you all and are proud to be your friends.

The McNeill family said...

I love you friend! We are praying and words cannot express the impact your family has made upon our lives. Thank you (all the Campbells) for bolding and obediently seeking the Lord, you are a great encouragement to us.

Becky Campbell said...

Your words were honest and from the heart and I pray for you and your family daily as you try to deal with a totally different life than we all are accustomed to. Please don't think you are not in a ministry. By sharing what your family deals with and by your very willingness to travel far and near for God, you are a ministry every day, even if you don't realize it. Praying for you and yours.

Melisa said...

I'm humbled...I pray, but I'm praying more. You spur me on to be greater for the Kingdom and for this I say thank you...

Grammy said...

My Dearest Daughter, My first response to this post is Come Home!! Then as I think about it coming home is not the answer because you have been called by our Lord to do what you are doing right now, I know it is very hard, I know you miss every thing about America, I know that doing the next step is hard, I know it is hard doing without the simple things like electric, I know it is hard to think on the good things that are going on in your life when there are so many things that are stressful. My heart aches for you, if I could fix it I would, but it is not in my hands, it is in the Lord's hands. I wish I had some great words of wisdom but I do not, I too cling to the promises of our Lord, "I say this because I have good plans for you, not to hurt you. I will give you hope and good future. Then you will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will search for me with all your heart, you will find me." Jeremiah 29: 11-13.
Right now all I can do is love you and pray for you and your family/my family and know that God is in control.
I do love you beyond any words and He loves you more than I know how. Looking forward to the day that you have butterflies and rainbows.

Becky said...

Christy, I have read your blog off and on and am so thankful I read this post. First, so I can lift you up, but also I am so blessed by your honesty! I have dealt with the same thing. Sometimes I am afraid I am being a little too honest with people about how I really feel sometimes living overseas. But people often thank me and encourage me afterwards. You are not alone, and your brothers and sisters around the world are undergoing the same kinds of things! This WILL pass, and bright days will come. In the meantime, I know you and your family are growing so much, even though you may feel completely useless (trust me, I have been there too...I think we all have). Being humbled constantly and having things constantly go wrong are such tiring and difficult experiences, but as you said, He is King over it all and He will not let a single thing happen to you beyond His perfect will.

Anonymous said...

hello Christy...blessings to you and your family... I heard your story first hand from my Pastor then from your mother in-law @ my church and the first time that I heard it, something was triggered in my spirit. Some days later I was traveling my usual hour to church and the the Holy Spirit spoke to me in refrence to you guys and i found it strange because I didn't know you guys, but the Lord knows all things... just last week I met your in-laws here in florida...
there's a couple of things I want to share with you. First the day the lord spoke to me I heard: my people will give their children to the service of this country to die for a goverment and or country that fails them and are so proud to see them wear those soldiers uniforms, but we so quickly want to pull our childrens from the service of God which serves a Greater purpose...the Lord knows that it is difficult, but he also knows why he picked your family..and the second thing I must share with you is that: His Grace is sufficient...His Grace is sufficient...His Grace is sufficient...he has put in you guys a spirit of a warrior and for such a time has he created you... he is in total control of everthing that is or isn't going on..In it the Lord is teaching you a new way and this too shall pass... stay strong in the Lord and know that you have a family who dearly loves you and are praying for you...ty for the posts

Jenny said...

I am blessed so much by your honesty and openness. I love you so and wish I could give you actual hugs. I cannot speak to the issues you face in Africa but I do know about plugging away through suffering. I would not wish it ON anyone but I am absolutly sertain that I know God in ways I NEVER would have had I not been brought to my knees in grief and felt I had nowhere else to turn. I knownone of this is fresh revelation to you and that you have so much more faith than I. But I just wanted to write and say thanks for sharing your heart. Thanks for your honesty and your call for prayer. I will pray for you and for your family. Who knows when God will send the rainbows. But I repeat the same truth and it is dear to me too. "even if he does not" I know that he is there. you know people always say that we need to cling to God...and we do...but the truth is that HE clings to us. he holds us so tight and he does not let us go. My grip is not so great sometimes, but his grip is endless and strong. sending you love--Jenny

Heather said...

Christy! I'm just now getting around to catching up on your blog, and I am glad I did. Thank you SO MUCH for your openness about the struggles you're facing and for your transparency. I have felt very similar things since we've been here and my overwhelmed-ness and discouragement seems to come in waves, depending on the circumstances. Press on, sister! I trust that the Lord HAS called you there and that his plans and purposes in all of this are for your ultimate joy in his Son. In the States, it seemed so much easier to feel competent about my abilities as a wife, mom, etc. Here I have wondered how I ever felt competent at anything since I feel like such a failure at everything (language, household management, parenting, being a helper to Jack...) but I am realizing that this humbling is good for me; it has removed any illusion that I can make it successfully on any given day apart from the sheer grace of God sustaining me and helping me. I am thankful that this is being exposed in my life, but man it sure isn't pretty! We love you guys, and would love to Skype soon if you are able. I hope your crate arrived!!! We're praying for y'all.

Heather