Questions

I have never struggled with infertility. In fact, by the time that I was 30 years old I had birthed 4 children after 4 healthy pregnancies. The fact that we adopted had nothing to do with wanting to grow our family and everything to do with wanting to obey God's mandate to care for orphans. Having a big family came pretty effortlessly to us and I know that I have been guilty of taking them for granted many, many times.

My heart has always been heavy for my friends who have had to struggle to have children. I can't imagine what it would be like to have empty arms and desperately want to fill them. Or to spend years pursuing treatment options or adoption possibilities to be able to become a mother. It is one of the things I'll never understand this side of heaven, why crack addicts who can't or won't care for their children are able to have them one after another while women who have dreamed their whole lives of becoming mothers must wait, year after year. Those are the times when I cling to verses like Isaiah 55:9 that assures us that God's ways are higher than our ways.

I know that God is good and that He is worthy of my trust. That is what I am clinging to now. Not to make light of infertility, but I have to say that the last few weeks have felt to me a bit like I imagine the wait for a baby would be. As I shared in this post I have dreamed of being a missionary since I was a little girl. I can not remember a time when I have heard a missions sermon, song, or Sunday School lesson when my spirit did not quicken or my eyes fill with tears because of my desire to tell the nations. I firmly believe that God has planted that desire there, just as he gives many women the desire to be mommies.

And now, just as I explained here we are waiting again. Quite honestly, I am struggling with a million different emotions. I am terrified that this is not going to happen. We got an e-mail yesterday letting us know that there is some re-evaluating of staffing needs happening with our company and it could be January before we hear anything about a job match. And then, quite honestly, there may not be one. This is hard for me to hear. We have until June 15th to get to the end of this process because of the ages of our children. That's not even 7 months away. After that, this opportunity goes away.

I struggle with anger. Wondering why God awakened this dream in us and prompted us to go through this process if we're only going to crash and burn after the hardest year of our life? Why did he prompt us to go public just a few days before we got this big fat stop sign? Why has He put this same burden on our children's hearts so that He could break them too? Why did He have to call us out of our comfort zone and put this passion for the nations in us if He wasn't going to make it happen? I'll be honest, these are all questions that I am wrestling with all the time.

Then there are the very practical questions that I have too. What do we buy our children for Christmas? If we're leaving the continent it's going to look very different than if we stay. Is this our last holiday in America for a few years or not? We need new pots and pans, but I don't want to buy new ones if we're not staying. Should we be aggressively trying to sell our house or not? If we do get a job match in January, we will need to get rid of it quickly, will we regret not pushing it during this waiting time? What if, after waiting and then getting a job match, it doesn't sell? Not to mention, there is all this stuff that fills this house that needs to go if we're going, but not necessarily if we're staying.

This, my friends, is what I am wrestling with. These questions, thoughts, and emotions are constantly flooding my mind. I know, I sound like a spoiled toddler who simply isn't getting my way. And I know, when it comes to things like pots and pans and stuff, I am. It's simply a matter of desiring to be in control and wanting things to go my way. But in many ways, it is more than that. You see, this dream has been a part of my "spiritual DNA" for as long as I can remember. For as long as I have known to collect my coins for Lottie Moon, I have dreamed of going. I can't imagine closing the door on this dream.

But, here is what I always come back to. God is not surprised by these delays. If budget cuts keep us from getting to go, my God still owns the cattle on a thousand hills. If peanut allergies prevent us from going, each of my children is still fearfully and wonderfully made. If our house doesn't sell, God still has plans to prosper and not to harm us. I know that I know that I know that God's way is perfect. I just have to remind myself that I know that.

I truly have to fight my desire to feel sorry for myself. I stepped down from my job at church because we thought it was time to begin getting ready. Our son didn't enroll in Upwards because we thought it was time to get ready. Our girls didn't participated in the Christmas recital this past weekend, because when it was time to commit to piano lessons in the fall, we thought we'd be in the packing phase.

Yet, I know that even in this "extra" waiting, I can choose to honor Him. In fact, yesterday the neighbors that we've been trying to serve and share with for the last 18 months agreed to go to church with us this weekend. They will need transportation and if I were still working at the church, this would not be an easy thing to provide. I have also had time to catch up on things that were overwhelming me before. I know that I have the power to choose from which angle I will view my circumstances. I want to take the high road in the midst of this unforeseen detour.

Lizzy asked me this weekend, in reference to our move, "So Mom, what's the plan?"

To which I responded in the only way I knew how, "Lizzy, for now the plan is to pray and wait, wait and pray, and trust that God is working it all together for good."

I would invite you to pray for us too as the Lord brings us to mind. We covet your prayers as we wait.