If The Shoe Fits...

I know this is going to shock you... but I'm going to be totally transparent here and tell it like it is...again.  The bottom line is, I have been in stuck in a whiny rut lately.  Not so much out loud, but in my head I have been whining a lot.  Too much.  I have been meditating on my whining.  It's not good.  At all.

Basically, I've been assuring God that I am in way over my head.  You see, my world has been slowly spinning out of control, and I don't like it.  I like orderly, I like manageable, I like under control.  But, over the last 6 months that has not been my world.  Before we left to get Abe, I had worked hard to lessen my commitments in many areas of my life.  We had gotten ahead in school, I had handed over my church responsibilities, the closets were all cleaned out, you get the picture.  I was totally prepared for at least 12 months of family focus.  I was there.  

But, it was not to be.  The layoffs at church began the increase of my commitments and that was simply the beginning of an intense season of responsibilities.  So, I have basically been talking to the Lord about how He surely needs to do some reassigning.  I get that the 5 children are all mine, that's a non-negotiable.  I still think it's humorous that He would choose me to parent 5, but there it is.  So, what about church, what about my homeschool co-op, what about my bi-monthly housekeeper moving to Georgia?  Couldn't something give there?  I have prayed about which of these things I need to give up or walk away from, and He clearly isn't releasing me from any of them, YET.

So, I have been whining.  I have been looking at the lives of the women around me and wondering what it would be like if God would just call me to put my kids on the yellow school bus.  Or what if he would just call my husband to a 9-5 office job, where my role was simply to have dinner ready when he got home.  I have been discontent and I have been resentful, and I am confessing it right here on blogger.

The other night I told Ryan, "The thing is, I don't really feel overwhelmed, I am just afraid that soon I will start to feel overwhelmed.  I am amazed at how well it's all working right now with all of the plates we're spinning.  But what if it stops working?"  

The very next day, Abe became fascinated with a pair of Abby's shoes.  He was entertaining himself with taking them off and on and then attempting to walk.   I grabbed the camera to capture the moment and just a second later he went into a screaming fit because he couldn't get his feet to work together with those shoes on.  He wasn't able to walk forward, and he had a meltdown.

And literally, in that moment, it was if the Lord said to me, "He's frustrated because they're not the shoes that were made to fit him."  And instantly I made a connection about the shoes Abe was wearing and the "shoes" that I have had on these past few months.  You see, I have wanted to wear my slippers, and yet instead, I've been in my running shoes.  I have been kicking and screaming, but I have laced them up and put them on, and surprisingly, when I'm not complaining, they're comfortable. 

And I thought to myself, how often have I gotten up in the morning and put on the wrong shoes?  How many times have I put on my running shoes when God would have me to put on my slippers, or vice versa.  And I realized again that there is no formula for any given day.  I so wish there was.  I so wish there was a map to the perfect day.  But there isn't a map, there isn't a flowchart, there isn't a formula.  Instead, there is a Holy God who has equipped us with everything we need.  And, if we'll just listen to him, walk with him, seek him, he'll be the perfect wardrobe consultant.  He'll direct us, one day at a time to a live that pleases him.  

The bottom line is this, God has called me to this busy season.  Now, I realize that busyness can be a stumbling block and can hinder our relationships, and I must be vigilant to make sure that I don't allow that to happen.  But, knowing that the things I am currently committed to have been placed in my life for this season, I know that I can trust God to give me enough time, enough energy, enough resources, and enough love for all of it.  He can.  Does that mean I'm having to be a good steward of my time, energy, resources, and emotions?  Absolutely yes.  But it also means that I have the opportunity to invest in folks- little ones and big ones- in a way that I never could if I wore my slippers all the time.