1/2 way

I realized the other day that we've made it to the 1/2 way point in our term.  We plan to be away from the US for 38 months before our first return.  When we were at the beginning of those 38 months, I thought they would never end.  I remember a few particularly hard days when Ryan would come home and catch me counting the days, literally.  I wasn't sure I would make it that long.  Now, I can't believe how fast it's going.

When I think about the fact that we've passed the 1/2 way mark, I'm tempted to despair.  What do I have to show for these past months?  I can kinda speak a language that's not even widely spoken in my current city.  I have made some precious friends, most of whom now live 4 countries away.  I've learned to cook a mean corn dog, good biscuits, and 2 varieties of pancake syrup...not exactly transforming eternity, huh?

We were finally reaching the point in our first city where I felt like I was just beginning to move beyond survival.  I knew who to call on the days when we woke up to no water, who to ask when I needed to find a certain item in the market, where to find peanut butter or what the baking soda canister looked like.  I had relationships with shopkeepers, market stall owners, and even a doctor to call for medical issues.

Now I find myself back at square one.  Square one is not a place I want to be.  Especially not 1/2 way through our first term.  I mean, let's be real here...what am I gonna have to share about when I go home?

I can hear it now...
Some nice lady at some nice Baptist mission fair: "So honey, tell me about the ministries you are involved in over there in Africa?"
Me: "Well, I survived 3 cities in 3 years, if you count my time in Canada.  My kids don't hate me or each other or Jesus.  My husband and I are still married and most days we're glad of that.  Um, and, we ate 3 times every day.  Oh yeah, the lady I buy bread from thinks I'm nice.  Did I mention that my daughter is passing Algebra and all of my children can read?"

Those are honestly the kinds of thoughts that I'm tempted to entertain.  Then I listen to myself and realize that I'm doing it again.  I'm pulling out man's measuring stick.  I'm tempted to forget that I live for an audience of one.  My job is to abide.  To walk in obedience.  To let the Lord order my days and my steps and my seasons.  And then I can exhale and rest in the God who loves me.  It's not my job to get results.  It's just my job to be obedient.

I know that some of you have trouble extending the same kind of grace to yourselves.  Your circumstances may look different, but the thoughts that you wrestle with are basically the same.  That ever delicate balance of having a burden for those who don't know Christ, but needing to serve those whom Christ has entrusted to you first.  I don't have any answers for you.  The only prescription I've found effective is lingering with my savior, abiding in His word, taking one day at a time, seizing opportunities He brings, not forcing the ones He doesn't.

Maybe a day will come when my iPhoto will be filled with exciting ministry photos.  I'll have amazing stories of women I've discipled and churches we've planted and people whose lives who are forever changed because I made a choice to go.  But that's not true today, 20 months into term 1.  And it may not be the way that God works in my life if I'm here another 20 years.

I simply know that for today, I will do the work that God gives me for this day.  I will be as faithful as I know how to be in my little corner of whatever city I wake up in today. And, when I'm tempted to be discouraged by how small my current circle of influence appears to be, I'll look to the words of Luke 16:10, "Whoever can be trusted with very little, can also be trusted with much.  And whoever is dishonest with very little, will also be dishonest with much."  I've taught it to my children in word and I pray that with each day I live, I'm also teaching it to them in deed.