I am not a TCK. I don't know what it is like to grow up as a TCK. I can't even relate to the experience. I had the same address from my toddler years until the day I married. But, here I am, parenting 5 TCKs and hoping like crazy that I don't screw them up too badly. Thank the Lord that I believe his grace is sufficient to cover a whole multitude of my mess.
I first heard the term TCK when we were preparing to come to the field. In fact, they recommended that we read this book:
And I wanted to, I did. I checked it out from the resource library, cracked it open, and proceeded to read. I didn't even make it past chapter one. It wasn't because I didn't find it interesting. It wasn't because I didn't think I needed the information. It was because, in the first pages, I got the snot scared out of me! Let me tell you folks, TCKs can struggle with lots of issues that I wasn't prepared to consider. So, I had a couple of really restless days, talked with a lady who had raised three kids in Africa about the intense anxiety this book had stirred up in me, and then decided that I would put it back on the shelf. When she said, "Yes, I've read that book and it's got some great info, but I'm not sure I would encourage you to read it right away," I decided I would read it later. Much later.
Really, at that point, I knew that God was calling us to go. I trusted that he would equip us for the daily-ness, and I knew that I had to just step forward in faith, by His grace at that time. So, that's what I did. As ignorant, uneducated, or neglectful as that may sound to some of you, it was the right choice for the time being.
Now, I've been parenting TCKs for nearly 3 years, and this book is at the top of my reading list for our time in the States. I really think I'm ready. Part of the reason I think I'm ready is because we're beginning to see some of the tell-tale characteristics of a TCK beginning to manifest in some of our children. Well actually, in all of our children, just in different ways.
Some of these characteristics are fabulous. They are great at welcoming people of all types. They quickly go deep in their conversations. They no longer equate different with bad. They are generally flexible and fun. I, for one, think they're pretty great kids.
But, there have been times when we've seen glimpses of the conflict that is so common in TCKs. We're told that they don't really know where they "belong." When we were in the States last fall, one of our children, at a particularly stressful time, rolled up into a ball, right in the middle of the staircase, and declared that they just wanted to go home. We weren't sure what they were referring to, but when we asked them, they told us that they meant Africa, of course! The exact reply was something like, "To my house, to my bed, to my dog, home!"
This summer, when we were in East Africa for our medical/counseling appointments, our children were terrified that we were going to return to America. We didn't give them any indication that was a decision that was on the table, but they're smart kids. They knew. One of them got nearly hysterical, saying that they did not want us to do that. They could not leave Africa. We couldn't do that to them. To say that we were shocked would be an understatement. Apparently, this child is fine with America being their "home" but Africa is where they feel like they belong these days. Except for those times when, well, when they don't feel like they belong.
I suppose this is why our older children now consider the week that they go to TCK camp to be the absolute highlight of their year. It trumps Christmas and birthdays, it is what they now look forward to all year long. When we mentioned possibly extending their stateside time by a few weeks, we were told in no uncertain terms, that they MUST be back in Africa in time for them to go to camp. I asked if they might like the possibility of going to a camp in the States. They looked at me as if I was insane and then said something like, "It is the one week all year that we get to be with other people who are like us...people who don't really know where they belong. No camp in America can provide that." Okay then, they set me straight!
One of our children came to me a week or two ago and was absolutely distraught about our trip to the States. What if they don't fit in? What if they don't like it? What if no one wants to be their friend? What if...? Thirty minutes of wiping tears and trying to give reassuring words helped a little bit, but really, I think the only reason the tears stopped was because sleep came. Inside, I was dying, just a little bit.
It is hard, as a parent, to see our children wrestle with these issues. We do question if we've asked too much of them. We wonder if they're going to be okay. But then, there are several things that we come back to, again and again. Firstly, we know that the Lord has asked us to come and we know that Yahweh does not require the sacrifice of our children. We trust that he is using these things to shape them into the people he desires them to be. Secondly, these kids are getting some a.m.a.z.i.n.g opportunities. Don't get me wrong, not every day is full of rich experiences. But along the way, some really cool things have been experienced, not the least of which is having an opportunity to build relationships with folks who are different from themselves. Another thing that helps us to think it's going to be okay is that we have the opportunity to interact with adult TCKs who are able to tell us that it is hard, but that as tough as it was, it was usually worth it. No matter what your story is, growing up is tough. Most kids have some aspect of their upbringing that is less than ideal, but it is often these things that shape them into the unique individuals they become. For our kids, being a TCK will be one of those factors.
For now, we are resting in the knowledge that our Father loves our children...more than we do. We trust him to give us wisdom. And, umm, we're gonna read that book too. Soon.
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