A Sudden Realization

Something happened to me a few weeks ago that surprised me.  It was an ordinary day and I was going through my morning routine when all of the sudden, I had a realization.  I realized, that I wasn't dreading my day...or my week...or my month.

That may sound odd to you, but for me it was a very, very good thing.  It's no secret that life in Africa hasn't come easily for me.  As much as I wanted to be one of those people who just fell in love with the people and the culture and thrive, I wasn't.  I had about 2 solid years of just simply putting one foot in front of the other.  I said to Ryan many, many times that I wondered if there would ever come a day that I would wake up and no longer hate it.  And, I'm not sure when it happened, but I did.

For many months, I endured, just telling myself that I just needed to make it through today.  If I needed to, I could get on a plane and leave tomorrow.  But, for today, I would stay.  So, each day I faced one day.  Some days, I had to take a nap in the middle of it to get through.  Other days, I would count how many days it would be until our term was over in an effort to realize there was an end in sight  (I'm talking when the days were still 750+!)   I beseeched the Lord nearly every day to help me to thrive, to help me learn to love this place and these people.

Somehow, at some point, I've begun to move from surviving to really enjoying life here.  I actually feel like I have a rhythm and a purpose to my days.  I enjoy the nationals that I work with.  I look forward to my work and many days, I feel like I have the hang of life here.  It was an exciting realization.

I guess, looking back, there were moments when I realized that I was making progress.  Like, when it was time for us to come back to Africa after my mom's death last fall and I realized that I wasn't dreading it.  In fact, I was anxious to get back.  Another one was when we were in Kenya this summer.  The counselors really challenged us to think very hard about whether or not Africa was the right fit for our family and gave us full permission to pack it up and head home.  And man, we did wrestle through it.  We prayed and talked more seriously about that decision than I think we ever have about any other decision, ever.   When we talked earnestly about leaving the field, every time, I wanted to vomit.  Literally, it made me sick to think of leaving Africa and walking away from these early efforts we've made to learn how to live here and love well here.  At the end of the time, I walked away far more resolute  that God was not finished with me here in Africa and that while I, in my earthly mind, consider myself far more effective in the first world, He has me here for so much more than I can see.  My measuring stick and his don't line up very well.

Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments when I long for "home" and the familiar things there.  Often, I wish we could share a basketball game or hike or holiday with the parents.  There are days when I desperately desire to worship with our home church family.  Not to mention, there are definitely Saturdays where I wish we could go to an American mall and eat a cheeseburger and then stop by Cookout for a milkshake on the way home.  But, those days and those aches are fewer and farther between and they don't hurt nearly so badly.

My honesty may sound terrible to you.  I think that if I were sitting in America, eating my Target grapes and reading this blog while my KLove played in the background, I might be tempted to think I was a mess. Or, maybe if I was one of those who stepped off the plane and was a cross-cultural whiz, learning my language in 6 months and starting churches in 6 more, I would feel the same way.  I don't blame you.

But, I am realizing more and more, that even in my "ineffectiveness," even in my struggles, even in my step by step, moment by moment days, I can glorify him.  I know that there are others who might be encouraged by my honesty and may need to know that the cross-cultural life doesn't fit everyone just like your favorite pair of flip-flops.  Sometimes it's more like those ugly Birkenstocks that have to be broken in.  They're not gonna get comfy if you don't just put them on and walk awhile.

So, as we head up the home stretch to the end of term number 1, I am so thankful for the progress that I see.  I am excited to see what term 2 will hold for us, Lord willing.