Encouraged

For the word of God is Living and active.  Shaper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Hebrews 4:12

I'm not exactly sure who reads this blog.  Well, I know some of you. Hi Mom!  But I don't know all of you.  So, I'm not exactly sure how many of you are in the habit of reading the Bible.  I learned a long time that if I'm going to navigate this world with any kind of success, it is a must for me.  It's not that I'm so holy, I'm just so desperate.  

Lately, God keeps bringing me to this one story in the Bible.   Many times I have picked up various publications in the last couple of months and found myself reading the story again- I can't get away from it.  It's the story of Hannah and Samuel.  The crazy thing is, I just started a new 90 day Bible Study on David this week- I wasn't planning on running into Hannah again for 90 days.  So I get up on Day 4- and guess who the star of the text is- HANNAH!

The story goes something like this... You see, there's this lady named Hannah, she's barren.  To make matters worse, her husband has a second wife, that wife is not barren.  That wife has children and she picks on Hannah all of the time because Hannah can't have children.  So, Hannah goes to the temple and pleads with God, she promises to dedicate her child to the Lord if he will grant her request.  God honors her prayer and she becomes pregnant.  When the child is weaned, she takes him to the temple and turns him over to live with the priest.  

Now every time I've read that story these last few months I've been focusing on the fact that Hannah relinquished her son after weaning him.  Ryan and I have been praying about some things dealing with our current children that are challenging us to consider letting go of our children a little more than we ever have before.  So,  God has used that aspect of the story to challenge me to trust him with whatever he calls my children to do.  Period.

But yesterday morning, the morning after I wrote my crybaby post on expectations, I awoke once again to Hannah.  This time, God used a different part of the story to tender my heart.  I had one of those "Hey Lady!  I'm talking to you" moments with God.  Here is the verse that really gave me comfort and that helped me realize my anxiety is not new on this earth, I am not alone, and God will answer.  

"She made a vow and said, O Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant, but will give your maidservant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and a razor shall never come to his head." 1 Samuel 1:11

Wow!  Except for the no razor on the head part, I'm there.  Hannah voiced exactly what I feel.  I am so glad that God has allowed us to wait beyond my expected timeline.  I don't ever want to forget what God reminded me of yesterday morning.  This is not about me.  This is not about some white westerner rescuing some poor African orphan.  This is about God entrusting me with a gift- a precious son and I in turn making every effort to return that son to him.  Thank the Lord I won't be weening him and returning him to the temple, although God's grace would be sufficient for me if that's what he required.  

So, I feel girded up again, ready for the next phase of the wait.  Still anxious to unwrap the gift, but more certain that I am not forgotten and that it's going to be done exactly when and how it needs to be done.  (Hey, would somebody please remind me to read this post again in a few weeks if necessary?) 

Expectations

Okay, so we're ready to get our referral.  We're over the wait, we're tired, it's time.  It's not even that we've been waiting so long.  When we started this process, I looked at dozens of timelines and I calculated a variety of scenarios.  I determined that people were rarely waiting over 3 months for baby boys.  We have been waiting 4 months this week.  

Let's be reasonable here.   We're still well within the 3-5 month timeline given to us by our agency.  We have friends who have waited years for referrals from China.  We even have a friend whose adoptive country has closed mid-process- they won't be getting a referral- at all. The bottom line is, I am acting like a spoiled brat.   I have thought a lot about why I am so bummed by the wait and I think it all comes down to one thing- expectations.   You see, I expected to have a referral by now.  I expected to be painting and shopping and carrying photos by now.  I didn't get what I expected.

The thing is, it doesn't make sense that we should be in a hurry.  Our life is already crazy busy and I know that the day we get that phone call, things will instantly become more complicated. That phone call will bring a string of physical, financial, and emotional demands.  But, isn't that just the way life works?  I can think of very few lasting pleasures in life that come without demands.  Marriage, ministry, parenting-  they all bring great joy while at the same time demanding great energy and sacrifice.  

So, the wait goes on.  I know that every day that passes brings us one day closer to our son. One day closer to touching his skin and kissing his cheek and reading him the same precious board books I've read to all my babies.  I can't wait.  But I can and I will.  Each day I'll fight to choose joy through this wait, knowing that not a day of my wait is without purpose.  And reminding myself  that the God who created my son and chose our family is not surprised by one day of this wait.  As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure he expected it!  

Deadline declared!

After fetching the mail today, my oldest daughter came to me and let me know that she had declared a deadline for receiving a baby referral.  What prompted her declaration?  It was the flyer we received from Gymboree.  You see, I've told her all along that we would not purchase Brother Baby's clothes until we received a referral.  Apparently, Gymboree's semi-annual baby sale ends on September 14th and she says we MUST receive our referral before the baby sale ends.  Ah, the power of mass marketing to a 10 year old.  So, my friendly Gladney caseworker, if you're reading this,  September 14th it is!

Sisters

There were many dreams I had as a little girl.  Most of them have either come to pass or I have abandoned them for a more realistic take on life.  For example,  I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be President of the United States- I have even let my mother get rid of the boxes full of childhood mementos I insisted that she save for my presidential museum.  I know now that I will never be an archaeologist.  I no longer sit through every solo wishing God had given me the gift of a beautiful voice like I did through all of my elementary and junior high years.

But, there is one dream that I really wish I could have experienced, and that was having a sister. I have always wanted a sister.  A few months ago, we were sitting in a restaurant and I was facing a table that was obviously two grown sisters and their mother along with their children. They were so affectionate towards one another's children and so obviously happy in their familial bliss that I couldn't help watching them.  Then, they ordered an entree to share and I found myself doing the stupidest thing- I started crying!  My husband looked at me as if I had 7 heads and asked me why in the world I was crying.  My response was, "I always wanted a sister!" followed by a series of reasons why.  He just shook his head like any confused male would as I turned to my daughters and said, "Girls, you are so lucky to have each other- don't you ever forget that!" 

Now, those of you reading this post who have sisters are probably thinking I'm nuts.  I even had a good friend (the youngest of 4 girls) tell me that it's not all it's cracked up to be.  She explained that sisters can be complicated and sometimes they bring more frustration than joy. But let me tell you- her sisters were there when her babies were born, her sisters are faithful to remember her birthday, her sisters are helping her care for her aging parents, and her sisters most certainly "remember when."  

God has blessed me with lots of wonderful girlfriends along the way.  I have friends from the East Coast to the West Coast and on several continents as well.  However, I've had 16 addresses in my 13 years of marriage, and the constancy of a sister through all of those moves would have been welcomed.  Let's face it, you never have to reconnect with a sister- they just are!

But, the bottom line is, I don't have a sister.  I'll never have a sister.  Yet, I take great joy in the fact that I'm raising three sisters.  They consider one another their best friends.  I delight in the fact that they'll have the opportunity to share all their major life events.  They'll have each other's backs when it comes to boys, bridesmaid dresses, babies, and bad days.  It makes me smile when I help settle their disputes and I am careful to remind them that their sister is their friend forever.  

Uninspired

Okay, so it's been a month since I've posted on the blog.  Window day has come and gone, and there's really nothing to say.  I have been waiting for some fabulous post to come my way, and I've given up.  I'm uninspired.  So, I've decided that I will give a quick update on the last month, and that will have to be that!

Obviously, there is NO NEWS on the adoption front.  We are at the any day point in the wait.  We are carrying our cell phones faithfully and checking messages frequently knowing it could be any day.  But, realistically looking at where we are on the unofficial list, we don't think it will happen in the next few weeks.  The referrals seem to be coming very slowly, and so the wait goes on.  We still think and pray about it often, but it often seems so unreal and I have to admit I sometimes get discouraged.  God is faithful to remind me of his goodness and his faithfulness when I am willing to listen.

The summer is coming to a busy end for our family.  This is Ryan's busiest season at work. Being a children's pastor who has to oversee the Sunday School promotion of 600 children  and the recruiting and training of 200+ volunteers can make August and September pretty demanding.  I have a good friend whose husband is an accountant and I often refer to this period at our house as our "tax season."  

His busyness this month has been compounded by the fact that he spent two weeks in Asia teaching English classes.  He had a fabulous time and is excited that he should get to return next year.  Of course, he was enamored by the children and would have brought many of them home if he could have.  He certainly favored the children over the pig ear and liver he ate while in the mountains.

One of the many faces that captivated Ryan

Ryan eating some swine part with one of his students

One of Ryan's biggest thrills was being in Beijing on the day of the opening ceremonies for the Olympics.  He got to see the Water Cube and the Bird's Nest

The kids and I have started full force back into our school routine.  This year we are studying history from the Medieval Period up to the American Revolution.  Lizzy just wants to know when we're going to get to the castles and princesses.  She's tired of hearing about the Goths and the monasteries.  We meet every Friday with about 15 other families who use the same curriculum and that started back today.  It's such a great way for us to keep working at a good pace and for the kids to have age appropriate activities to reinforce all of our reading and work at home.

I am going to try to post more regularly.  The period we're in right now reminds me of when you're pregnant and you hit those last few weeks when people call to see if anything is happening.  They say things like "Are you feeling ANYTHING?"  or "When's your next doctor's appointment?"  or "How long are they going to let you go before they induce?"  That part was always a chore for me and I feel like this is the same thing except it could go on for months.  It's gonna be okay though.  I know that on the timeline of eternity, these few months are but a blink of the eye and that it will happen in God's perfect timing.  In the mean time, please pray that my heart will remember what my head already knows.  

Time goes by

It's hard to believe, but tomorrow marks 10 weeks of waiting for our referral.  Time is flying by and we know that we probably have already waited longer than we have left to wait.  Of course, we realize that anything can happen in the world of international adoption, but we're hopeful that our referral will come during the "normal" window of time, which is 3-5 months.  

The kids are having one massive playdate today.  They each invited a friend over and so I'm currently preparing bagel bites for 8 children.  I had to honor playdate promises I'd been putting off all summer and since we start back to school next week- it was time!  It's so funny to see how the different ages and genders play together.

One of the fun purchases we made this summer was one of those water slides with the blowers. The kids have had lots of fun keeping cool while playing outside- and I love mopping up the puddles from the door to the potty.  It makes for fun days.

Last weekend we decided to finally try the free Science and History museums in downtown Raleigh.  They were so fun- especially the Science one.  I can't believe that we hadn't been there before- they were so nice, and so free!  The biggest hit for our family was definitely the butterfly room- Lizzy had a massive butterfly land on her dress, and we all enjoyed watching her facial expressions.  Lily announced that she wants a seahorse for her birthday after I drug her away from the seahorse tank crying.






 

We continue to covet your prayers as we wait and pray.  

Good News!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,

Praise him all creatures here below,

Praise him above ye heavenly hosts,

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

Amen

When I was young, I attended a very old school baptist church.  Every single Sunday, just before the preaching began, I remember we would sing the words of the song above.  According to the bulletin the man at the door of the church handed me each week, it was called the "Doxology." It meant very little to me then except that the "boring" part of the church service was about to begin.  

That's not true anymore.  It has been the song that has resonated in my heart through many steps of this adoption journey.  The words of the doxology have become very precious to me as I've watched His hand weave our story.  Yesterday, when I opened my e-mail and saw the good news that Gladney was beginning to issue referrals again, the words once again played through my mind as the tears sprang to my eyes.  

We are delighted because even though this doesn't mean anything specifically for our family- today- it means things are happening.  Praise God, children are once again being matched and very soon, people will begin traveling to complete this "forever family" process.

We have continued faithfully praying through these 40+ days of delays, but we have also found ourselves very guarded about the future.  I have discussed it less and invested less time into daydreaming and planning- simply as a means of protecting myself from the what-ifs of a permanent delay.  Now I am once again awakening to the reality that it is going to happen.  And now, we are at the two month mark.  That means it could happen soon!  Like in the next couple of months soon!  What a joy!  What a responsibility!  How exciting!